Logline: During the filming for a tv ad of a life insurance commercial, the actor Moe has been threatened and Louise the emu, killed. Who did it–Mac, the director; Nan, the animal trainer; or the other animals? Can the other emu Thelma give Detective Moore any insight into the crime?
Ext. Road. Set for filming. Early morning.
On a road set up for the filming of a television insurance commercial, Detective Moore begins his investigation, as the policemen scroll out yellow crime scene tape. The ad-film crew stands aside, cameras still at the ready.
“Doug,” whose real name is Moe, is hysterical and throwing around props–his sunglasses, chairs, the emu’s scarves and sunglasses–and a dead emu lies before him. Moe pulls a piece of paper out of the emu’s beak, reads it, and moans into the air.
POLICEMAN #1
Sir, please refrain from this. You’re contaminating the crime scene.
Moe
Contaminating? Look! It’s already been! My partner lies here dead! And this note is addressed to me.
(Moe reads the note)
“You killed Stu first. You’re next if you keep it up.” What the hell does this mean?
Moe’s wife Gloria, Glo, tries to appease him.
Glo
Now, honeybear, you know what the doctor said, you can’t get rowled up, it’s bad for you.
MOE
My life is over, Glo. Even though I’m a great actor, no one recognized me till I partnered with Lou. Such a beast on screen.
Detective Moore, who was interviewing the crew, walks to Moe, turning to a page in his notebook.
Detective Moore
Moe, Detective Moore here. Let me see that evidence.
(He reads the note.)
MOE
May as well throw myself down on the road beside her. Chop me up, mix me in with horsemeat. Feed me to the dogs. Poor Lou. Her name was really Louise.
(Moe picks up her head; it’s attached to her neck like a meatball on spaghetti.)
DETECTIVE MOORE
Sir, again, you are contaminating the crime scene. Who’s Stu? Would someone want you or Lou dead because of . . . Stu?
MOE
Great, I’m being blamed for the lizard Stuart’s death. Stu came before Lou. In our commercials. I told them they were cutting off his tail to close to his body for it to grow back. All for ratings.
GLO
C’mon, honeybear, settle, Lou wasn’t all that. Her partner at the Animal Training Resource Center, Thelma, can tell you that.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Do you have any idea what the threat means? And explain: you say Louise’s partner, Thelma, can talk? (Aside) Sounds like she’s the star.
MOE
Of course, she can’t. Not really. But you might discover something at that facility.
DETECTIVE MOORE
We’ve already dispatched a squad there. Moe, do you have any idea who would want to threaten you? Or the emu?
GLO
You should start with that director. He’s had it out for Moe ever since the lizard. Blames him.
The detective goes over to Director Mac Guffin, circled by yes-men.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Director . . . Mac, can you give us a statement about this event?
DIRECTOR MAC
Whatever do you mean?
DETECTIVE MOORE
There’s been a comment that you have it out for the lead, Moe.
DIRECTOR MAC
Nothing could be further from the truth. I had every reason to wrap up production of this commercial today. I start filming tomorrow with Malcolm the monkey on “Monkey Business.” With Moe, too, but now, he won’t be available, according to his contract.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Why’s that?
DIRECTOR MAC
Lead can’t be involved in such a scandal–or threat. Can’t insure him or the movie. See? I would never want to jeopardize that. I’ll have to use the guy from the Liberty Biberty commercial.
Glo and a woman wearing an Animal Training Resource Center shirt have been in a overly-friendly embrace and close discussion since Glo left the conversation with the detective and her husband. The woman, “Nan” embroidered on her shirt, reacts when she overhears the detective and director’s conversation.
ANIMAL TRAINER
Mac, oh, no, you can’t. Liberty Biberty guy is not nice to the animals. Thelma can tell you that.
DETECTIVE MOORE
And you are. . .?
ANIMAL TRAINER
Nan Mahannon, Executive Director and lead animal trainer for the Animal Training Resource Center. I hope you can clear this up quickly, detective.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Ma’am–
NAN MAHANNON
Nan, not ma’am–
DETECTIVE MOORE
Nan, you look so familiar.
NAN MAHANNON
(smiling ear to ear)
So sweet you recognize me, probably from my recent movie “Naked Flamingo.” I was featured in the strip-tease scene, so were the emus, Thelma and Louise, made up to look like flamingos, you know, birds of a feather and all that.
DETECTIVE MOORE
No, I don’t think I saw that one.
Policeman #1 walks to Moore, delivering information.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Ma’am, Nan, it seems your facility was broken into last night, ransacked, 43 monkeys in their cages were much rattled. We suspect Louise’s food has been tampered with, dead mice lie about. The food will be tested to see if it explains Lou’s delayed demise.
ANIMAL TRAINER NAN MAHANNON
Oh, dear God of All Creatures, my animals are in danger! My work cannot go on with this cloud over our head. It’s nearly impossible that the Center was violated.
DETECTIVE MOORE
What makes you say so?
NAN MAHANNON
My husband Sam takes care of all that. He’s our locksmith, our handyman. Sam? There you are. Sam, something awful’s happened.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Your husband Sam? Why then were you–
A man wearing thick glasses like the bottom of pop bottles scurries over to her, removes his glasses and wipes them on his holey tee-shirt.
Sam
(interrupting)
–What is it, my darling?
DeTECTIVE MOORE
This is who? Sam, your locksmith, you say?
NAN MAHANNON
Our facility’s been broken into. Besmirching our reputation. Tell the detective how it’s impossible for anyone to enter into our facility.
Sam
Yes, well, Detective, no one can do that. We have a state-of-the-art system. No one can enter without triggering a special protocol.
DETECTIVE MOORE
We will continue this investigation at your facility.
NAN MAHANNON
Fine, there you can get your answers.
SaM
Thelma can give them to you.
DETECTIVE MOORE
But isn’t Thelma an emu?
NAN MAHANNON
Yes, of course. Who better?
Int. Animal training resource center. Same day.
The place is in disarray: kibble, water dishes, over 40 stacked cages with monkeys, and paperwork scattered about. Police are photographing scene, doorways, etc., taking notes scouring the premises.
Detective Moore enters, a look of disgust on his face.
DETECTIVE MOORE
What did you find, guys?
POLICEMAN #1
Detective, no sign of illegal entry. But there are no cameras, no “state-of-the-art equipment. Don’t know what to think.
DETECTIVE MOORE
(to Detective)
Just do the best you can.
Miss Mahannon, can you shed any light here?
NAN MAHANNON
It’s Mrs. Mahannon.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Mrs. Mahannon, I apologize. It’s just I saw you with Glo, Moe’s wife, and I assumed–
NAN MAHANNON
–You assumed wrong, Detective. Sam and I have an open relationship, as free as the animals we train. It’s what we believe.
Detective Moore looks at Sam, who simply shrugs and looks down, removes his glasses and wipes them.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Whatever wets your beak, or peels your banana. I’m just here to solve a case.
NAN MAHANNON
Obviously last night the perpetrator got by our locksmith Sam’s system.
DETECTIVE MOORE
What system is that ma’am? I see no system. Can you tell me what it is?
NAN MAHANNON
I can do better than that, Detective, you can talk to our “system.’ Let’s ask Thelma.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Whatever are you talking about? She’s an emu, right?
NAN MAHANNON
Come this way, gentlemen.
Nan shows them a big room. There stands Thelma, offput by the disturbance, for she sticks her tongue out at them numerous times. Then she ruffles her wing feathers and saunters by her food, sleeping area, and toy box. In the middle of the floor is a pad with colored rounded pads on it.
When Nan enter the room, Thelma and the 40+ monkeys go berserk.
Sam goes to Thelma, stroking her neck and feathered body and she calms.
SAM
(talking to the emu)
Thelma is my super smart girl, aren’t you, my Thelma?
NAN MAHANNON
Shut up, you heathen animals!
Detective, do you see the pad?
DETECTIVE MOORE
It looks like a Twister game mat.
NAN MAHANNON
Each circle represents words or phrases Thelma has learned.
POLICEMAN #1
Oh! I’ve seen this on Facebook. Usually with a dog. Can “talk” about wanting to go outside, or the weather, or about eating.
NAN MAHANNON
That’s what Thelma can do. We’ve only just begun working with her.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Can she answer my questions?
NAN MAHANNON
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Why so?
NAN MAHANNON
Because if she doesn’t know or doesn’t want to answer, sometimes she lies, so we’re not sure when she doing what. She’s very good at what she does, though.
DETECTIVE MOORE
At what, lying?
SAM
She’s had a very good teacher.
(He looks at Nan)
DETECTIVE MOORE
Can you verify her answers, tell me what she means?
NAN MAHANNON
You can’t. I can. Possibly. Some of them. What do you want to know? I have to act it out and then she answers in words.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Ask if she knows who did this.
Nan’s motions involve charade-ish mimicking and then stops.
Thelma walks onto the pad and steps on a certain circle on the panel-pad to activate an answer.
PANEL-PAD
Yes.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Ask her if someone tampered with Louise’s food.
Nan goes through a series of moves and stops.
Thelma steps on a certain circle-response on the panel-pad.
PANEL-PAD
Yes.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Ask her who.
Nan goes through an elaborate array of moves, it seems, for such a short question.
Thelma steps on two circle pads on the panel-pad to respond.
PANEL-PAD
Can’t say.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Does that mean she “can’t say” because she doesn’t know, or because, if she does, she doesn’t want what will happen, or because her speech is limited?
Nan acts out her charade-ish behavior again with the same result from Thelma.
NAN MAHANNON
Sorry. I can’t say what she can’t say. I simply don’t know.
DETECTIVE MOORE
This is a waste of time. Is there anybody in this mad house can give me a straight answer?
NAN MAHANNON
I’m as frustrated as you. Look at my place, my beautiful business.
SAM
It’s okay, we’ll rebuild it.
NAN MAHANNON
The hell we will. I’m sick of taking animals’ shit.
SAM
I take all the poop out.
NAN MAHANNON
Not what shit I’m talking about.
With Nan’s words, Thelma and the monkeys make more noise than they have been creating so far.
MOE
Detective Moore, what about me? I may be running out of time–because the note threatens me and because I do still want to film with Mac and the monkey in “Monkey Business” tomorrow. Did you forget about me? I can’t work without life insurance and my working insurance policies.
DIRECTOR MAC
Work is pretty much off the table for you, Moe. We need to use your understudy. You do have an understudy, don’t you?
MOE
C’mon, Mac, give me a chance.
When Moe goes near Thelma, she starts running around wildly and chirping shrilly. The monkeys follow suit, shrieking and banging in their cages. Sam finally calms her down.
DIRECTOR MAC
Sorry, Moe, that’s the breaks. Besides, the animals don’t like you.
MOE
What kind of trainers are you guys? You can’t control your animals!
NAN MAHANNON
Animals like who they like.
DETECTIVE MOORE
(to policeman)
Have you established a connection between this event, and the emu death and threatening note?
POLICEMAN #1
We’re taking samples to check at our lab. Got a sample of the dead one’s food. Her cage is over there. Nothing to truly go on yet, sir.
DETECTIVE MOORE
Whatever interviews aren’t completed, schedule them for downtown. Let’s wrap this day up.
Police and detective exit for the precinct.
NAN MAHANNON
Sam, dear, I’m meeting Glo for a nibble of lunch. I’ll be back in a few hours.
SAM
I’ll clean up the joint and spend time with Thelma.
Nan exits.
MOE
Wait, Mac, don’t leave me hangin’. C’mon. Ya know I gotta work, right?
DIRECTOR MAC
I don’t think the emu, or any of the animals, for that matter, want to work with you, Moe. And they kind of run the show.
Mac is walking out, Moe right behind him, door slamming.
MOE
But, Mac!
They exit the Center.
Sam continues to soothe Thelma. They now both sit in her room, cozying up on the floor together.
SAM
Well, Thelma, maybe we pulled it off. You’re set to take Louise’s place in the spotlight.
Thelma screeches, gets up, and paces.
SAM
Yeah, It’s good that there’s no surveillance system in here, so no one suspects you killed her off. I’m the only one who knows. And Moe is done. Crazy, they don’t know yet that I’m the understudy. We’re sitting pretty.
In her pacing, Thelma walks to the monkeys’ cages and begins opening them, one by one, with her beak, releasing the monkeys, who circle Sam, backing him into a corner.
SAM
What are you doing, Thelma, what are you doing, girl? We’re a team, Sam and Thelm. What? Get them monkeys back.
(He kicks and strikes out at the monkeys to no avail)
Back! Get back, stay back. Noooo! Ahhhh!
And the monkeys are upon him.
Thelma walks to the panel-pad and presses two circles.
PANEL-PAD
Can’t say.