Hadley Hey Hey and Johnny Log Johnson
Once upon a time there was a kingdom that seemed all sparkles and diamonds and grandness and warmth and loveliness, because it was. The kingdom with its fancy, smancy palace and glass playhouse buildings that shone like ice in the sun seemed far away, because it was. At this time, far far away was the closest anybody could get to the kingdom, only to see a reflection of it floating high in the sky in ice crystals caused from all of the wetlands and marshlands on the grounds below. The reflection came from Slobby Hollow, a place which lay way, way down at the bottom of the Far Closer Side of the Blue Ox Mountain, which held up this kingdom on high that shone like ice in the sun.
No one could get to anything up there. Not any one thing. Not nothing. Everyone wanted to. Why wouldn’t they? That’s where they lived, that’s where their mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters were, and doggies and cats and bicycles and toys and yards and swing sets and animals and all their everything lived. Their houses, of course, as I’ve said, were there. And their beds. But no one slept anywhere–now. Why, you may ask.
A dead log, long ago named Johnny Log Johnson, supposedly asleep years and years ago, had dammed up the lazy, oozy Fog Belly River that drifted about the bottom of the Far Closer Side of Blue Ox Mountain, skirting across Slobby Hollow–a skirting which of course, caused Slobby Hollow to squirm and squirt about until it now had created Slobby Hollow Bog.
And a bog is a bad thing. It can suck into itself anything–cars, trains, bicycles, deer, picnics, tables, some trees, low-lying clouds, gophers, dinosaurs, boats, houses, kids, lands, waterways, rivers–everything eventually. But before a bog gets to this point of devouring all life as we know it, life is rather miserable and yucky. The devouring bog made people sad and mad and muddy and dirty and stinky and ugly. It was taking over the kingdom! The kids thought they would never reach the land of their kingdom and their mommies and such. They could hardly even SEE their houses.
So many people were paying more and more attention to the Slobby Hollow Bog coming from the Fog Belly River and the misty far away houses that no one zoomed in their eyes to notice the supposedly once-sleeping now-dead log really wasn’t sleeping or dead at all as they had thought. Because of Johnny Log Johnson, the fake sleeping log lying across the whole of Slobby Hollow Bog, the thick mist had risen up all the way to surround around the kingdom on top of Blue Ox Mountain.
When no one was looking, when it was dark, when it was stormy, or when people were too too busy, Once-Thought-Dead Johnny Log Johnson was Alive Johnny Log Johnson, growing brambles and branches and burrs and thistles and all kinds of catches and boobie traps for the unsuspecting kids and birds and dogs, who hurt their legs and eyes and had to wear slings and eye patches, so that they couldn’t do a thing they really wanted to–like ride merry-go-’rounds and run to the swings that go soooo high in the park or eat cotton candy at carnivals or pet dolphins in the ocean (which happen to be beside their houses they can’t get to) or talk to giraffes and animals at the zoos (which operate in their backyards) or hug their mommies at home.
Everyone was so upset that they couldn’t even think straight.
The grown-ups had said to the kids, “Go play to keep your mind off of whatever you kids are worried or scared about.” But the kids couldn’t do it.
One kid said, “It’s hard to play pirate with a real eye patch. And when we have no pirate ship. And when you’re MAKING us play. That’s no fun.”
“I keep getting caught on all these sticky, stinky weeds,” another kid said.
“I don’t want to play. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want you to make me. I miss my mommy. I miss my bed. I’m sleepy,” the other kids said.
And then they all started to cry. Really loud.
Just at that time, as time would have it, Princess Hadley Hey Hey came along. She had been off helping her sister Cammie Coo Coo fix all the animals in the Darkening Forest on the Other Side of the Blue Ox Mountain.
First, Hadley Hey Hey smelled the Slobby Hollow Bog. Then, Hadley Hey Hey heard crazy, miserable, outlandishly loud crying.
She leaned forward and said in the ear of her horse White Feather, “Do you hear that, White Feather? There’s trouble up there. Let’s go help. Hurry, White Feather. Go faster than the wind! Hey hey! What-do-ya-say!” And with those words, she stroked the horse’s mane ever-so-gently, and White Feather wanted to do anything that Hadley Hey Hey pronounced to her. So off the two flew.
At the bottom of the Far Closer Side of the Blue Ox Mountain at Slobby Hollow Bog, Hadley Hey Hey saw crying kids all over the place. They were lying on the ground, on each other, on the poison ivy bushes, on the stinking dogs covered in mud, on the scummy frogs with their sticky stick legs, well, on everything. They wanted to go home.
Hadley Hey Hey asked the few grown-up people, “Is there any good reason why we STILL can’t get home to our families?”
The grown-up people said, “Can’t YOU figure anything out yet?”
Princess Hey Hey said, “Hey, I’m only a kid.”
The few grown-ups said, “We got nothing. We’re fresh out of ideas. What do you got?”
Hadley Hey Hey said, “Hey, all I know is I’m sick of this.” And she tossed her black curls back over her shoulder before going to solve the problem of Slobby Hollow Bog and Not-So-Dead Johnny Log Johnson.
Hadley and White Feather traveled toward the problem alone together through all this yucky water–just scum and scum and more scum everywhere.
“I’m sorry, White Feather,” Hadley Hey Hey said, as she walked her horse along by the reins through Slobby Hollow Bog. “I know that this bog is very hard for you to walk through. That’s why I’m walking beside you, not on you. And also, the Quickening Forest would catch in my hair and pull and mess us up as we would be riding through the trees and everything.”
“It’s okay,” White Feather said. “We’re buddies. I’m always going to take care of you.”
Closer to the mouth (which means the beginning) of Fog Belly River was the Non-Sleeping Not-So-Dead Johnny Log Johnson. But he LOOKED like he was dead. How, you might ask, did the log look dead? Well, he just was laying there–no arms, no legs, no eyes, no toys, no friends, no mommies, no daddies, just scum, scum, and scum, and bugs and worms.
Hadley Hey Hey said to White Feather, “I could try to move this big log, but it’s probably impossible–well, for a kid, unless I use super powers. And I reserve that for special times.”
Whit Feather said, “I could stomp on it to break it up into smithereens.”
“Yeah, and then we can move the broken pieces away,” Hadley said, as she let go of the reins.
Just then, Johnny Log Johnson moaned.
Princess Hadley said, “Hey, did you hear that, White Feather?” To the log, Hadley said, “Hey, you just made a noise. You must be doing that pretend-sleeping thing. I know about that.”
“How do you know?” Johnny Log Johnson said.
“Because I do it all the time.” Hadley knelt down beside the big log stretched out and lying there in the bog. “Look, just because I’m a kid doesn’t mean I don’t know things.”
“You do?” Johnny Log Johnson acted surprised that he and Hadley Hey Hey had some of the same experiences. But he was even more surprised that she cared enough to talk to him. Did he mean it all or was he fooling? She WAS a princess and beautiful but she didn’t act like it because she was really nice and kind and friendly.
“Yes, I do,” Hadley Hey Hey said. “By the way, everyone is really really mad at you.”
“Why?” Johnny Log Johnson asked.
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Hadley said. “You were all fakey about being dead or sleeping when you’re neither. The bottom line is you flooded up the place. So I was thinking about busting you up into pieces. I feel I HAVE to, to save the kingdom. But you MUST be enchanted, because you ARE talking to me and you’re a LOG.”
Johnny Log Johnson said, “I’m not really enchanted. Slobby Hollow is. The magic kind of rubs off on me. But just a little bit. My eyes aren’t really open but I’m kind of alive–in the scum of it all. If you, Princess Hadley Hey Hey, enchant me, Johnny Log Johnson, and make me magic, then I could see and behave like I’m alive. I’d drain the bog some and let everyone get back to the kingdom that supposedly shines like ice in the sun–something I’ve never seen.”
“Okay, okay. Here goes,” Princess Hadley Hey Hey said. So she extended her arm with its loving magic across Slobby Hollow Bog toward Johnny Log Johnson and said,
“This bog’s like a sea,
bad it be unto me.
This woods I would dry,
his wood eyes, real tears must cry!
Hey hey! What-do-you-say!”
And, lo, and behold, the bog dried up for the most part, and Johnny Log Johnson’s wood eyes became real and everyone could see the kingdom that shone like ice in the sun.
Hadley Hey Hey said. “Well, that’s taken care of. Finally, we can all go home and everything can go back to normal.”
But as she turned around to begin to mount White Feather, Johnny Log Johnson reached out his branches to suck her down into his trap there in Slobby Hollow Bog.
Twirling around, Hadley Hey Hey thought about doing physical violence, like bopping the log on the head, which made no sense, because it was a log, so then she readied herself to cast another spell.
Johnny Log Johnson said, “Wait, wait. I’m sure you think you should have let sleeping logs lie.”
“That’s not the saying,” Princess Hadley said. “It’s ‘Let sleeping DOGS lie,’ but I’m thinking I should have just let YOU lie. No, I’m thinking White Feather and I should have just busted you up into smithereens!”
“True. You could have done that,” Johnny Log Johnson said. “But then, we never would have had the chance to meet, and, who knows? Maybe get to know each other. Maybe become friends.”
White Feather said, “Friends? You were just going to suck her into your bog.” Then to the princess, the horse said, “Hadley Hey Hey, I’m just going to turn the log into smithereens.”
“Wait,” the Princess said. “I have to think about this a minute. I mean, it IS a talking log.”
Just then, a kid, Jack Sprat, ran down by Johnny Log Johnson, scooped out some scum, sifted through what was in his hands, and found some worms. He yelled, “Hey, Georgie Porgie! Look! Shiny-bright glow worms! We can put them around our beds tonight when we try to sleep.” Then he said, “Thanks, Johnny Log Johnson, you’re not so bad.” And off he ran.
After him flew down multiple blue-eyed, extra-long beaked, red-headed woodpeckers, landing right where Jack had dug. They pecked and pecked in the scum and worms. The water cackled in their throats.
Hadley said, “Johnny LJ, first you act like you’re dead and you’re not. Then you act like you’re going to let everything go back to normal and the kids go home and that’s a lie, too. And then, you try to add me to the bog! What do you have to say for yourself?”
Johnny Log Johnson said, “I’m very sorry. I have to learn to go against my true nature.”
Princess Hey Hey said, “You mean your true nature of being a bog? Or of lying? How do I know you won’t try to make me or anyone else a part of the bog again? I don’t see how I can trust you. And I have a lot of other people to think about.”
Johnny Log said, “I give you my word. I swear on my new eyes. If you keep coming to visit, I’ll behave. If you want to feel safer than being alone, bring White Feather to stomp me into smithereens.”
“I’ll come,” Hadley said. “I might bring visitors, anyway. Just because I think you need them. You probably had only a few visitors before.”
“A few?” Johnny Log Johnson said. “Try NONE. I had NO visitors before. And now, even stinkin’ and scummy, I have visitors. I have attention. I NEED that.”
“Yes, I see you do,” Hadley Hey Hey said.
“If you don’t come,” Johnny Log Johnson cried, “you may as well break me into smithereens, because I’ll cry and cry, and all my tear gunk will clog up the bog again.”
“Ew,” Hey Hey said, “Tear gunk is so disgusting. Do you want me to come or not? I said I’ll come, so I’ll come. You have my word.”
“And you have mine.” Johnny Log Johnson winked at Hadley Hey Hey as she readied to ride and dry up the road to the kingdom that shone like diamonds above.
With glee, the kids roared up the road on the Far Closer Side of Blue Ox Mountain to their homes and their pets and their mommies.
“Remember what you promised,” Johnnie Log Johnson, now with real eyes, said. “I’ll be watching for you now for sure,” he said.
“I will,” Hadley Hey Hey called as she smiled back at Johnny Log.
After those words, she stroked White Feather’s mane ever-so-gently and said, “Go faster than the wind! Hey hey! What-do-ya-say!” So off the two, Princess Hadley Hey Hey and White Feather, galloped and then flew out of Slobby Hollow to their home above that shone like ice in the sun.